MANLY
by StarrNight
Summary: Gray, Natsu, and Gajeel have a contest to see who is the manliest. The task? Stealing Erza's cake. Oneshot, T for language.


_This is for r/FairyTail's fanfiction contest! Enjoy!_

oOoOoOoOoOo

Sometimes, but only _sometimes_ , Gray felt a little irritated by the way people treated Natsu and Gajeel because of their status as Dragon Slayers. That skinny reporter from _Sorcerer_ magazine, Jason, was doing a Fairy Tail special today and, from his seat at the guildhall bar, Gray could see the way he buzzed around the fire and iron mage like a moth around a lantern. Every time the air was punctuated by a joyous cry of _cooooooooool!_ , he slumped down a little further on his stool. Dragon Slayers. What a joke.

"What's bothering you, Gray?" Mirajane asked from behind the bar where she was polishing a tankard. "Your face could curdle milk!"

Gray jumped a little, then sulkily turned on his stool to face her. "Nothin'." He mumbled, resting his chin on his fist.

Mira finished polishing the glass and then slid a full glass of ale across the bar to him. "Surely something is going on! You've been watching Natsu and Gajeel like a hawk. Are you three in a fight?"

"No," Gray replied. He took a drink of the ale. Mira smiled knowingly and waited until, as predicted, the ice mage spoke. "It's just…geez. I mean, what's so great about those two idiots, anyway?"

"Who? Natsu and Gajeel?"

"Yeah."

"Well, they _are_ Dragon Slayers."

"Yeah, see, that's the point," Gray sat up straight. "What makes Dragon Slayers better than the rest of us? Not one of the three of them has even killed a dragon. What do they have that I don't have?"

Mira put a finger on her chin and pondered. "They have cats! That's something you don't have. Though you do have Juvia—she sort of counts!"

"Juvia?" Gray repeated skeptically.

"Yes, Gray-sama?" Juvia replied beneath him. It turned out that Gray's stool was actually just the water mage and he'd been sitting on her butt the whole time.

"WHAT THE HELL?" Gray jumped off of her as if she were on fire.

Juvia slowly stood up, rubbing circles in the small of her back. "Isn't Juvia a good stool? Gray-sama didn't even notice!" Her eyes lit up. "Juvia didn't realize that Gray-sama was into cats! Juvia can be Gray-sama's cat! She can make cat ears out of felt and even wear one of those life-like tails you put up your-"

"DON'T MAKE ME INTO A PERVERT!" Gray yelled, but Juvia ignored him and hurried out the door to begin her crafting.

"You're already a pervert," Natsu replied, making his way over to the bar.

Gajeel followed him, a nasty grin on his face. "So you're into cats now? That's disgusting."

"At least I don't share my bed with actual cats like you two," Gray grumbled.

"Happy doesn't sleep with me! There's no room in Lucy's bed!" Natsu announced shamelessly.

"What?" Gajeel grabbed Natsu's collar. "You sleep in bunny girl's bed? Levy only lets me do that on holidays!"

Gray snorted. "You two are pathetic, chasing after women like that. What a waste of manhood."

"MANLY!" Elfman yelled from across the room.

Instantly, Natsu and Gajeel were up in Gray's face. " _Who are you calling a waste of manhood, Ice Princess?!_ "

"I have an idea!" Mira announced, interrupting what was surely shaping up to be a fantastic brawl. "How about you three have a contest to see who is the most manly?"

"YOU'RE ON!" Natsu shouted, lighting his fist on fire. "Whose ass do I kick first? I'll take both of you at the same time!"

Gray swept his fist into his palm. "Fine by me!"

Gajeel, however, _tsk_ 'd and rolled his eyes. "I don't need to prove my _cajones_ to anyone. Just look at me! I have _metal in my face_. Suck on that, both of you."

"So you're admitting defeat," Mira half-asked, half-stated innocently. "It's okay if you're afraid. We'll just have the contest between Natsu and Gray."

"Fuck that!" Gajeel roared. "Fine, what's the damn contest? I'll win it quickly and get it over with."

Cana, who had overheard, sauntered over with a barrel. "Let's have a drinking contest! I'll moderate!"

"It's nine o'clock in the morning," Gray said. "And you're already drunk anyway. I'll pass."

"Suit yourself," Cana muttered. "More for me."

Natsu's face lit up as the guild door opened and Lucy, Levy, and Laki walked in. "How about we see who can decorate Lucy's face the best while she's asleep!"

"We'd have to drug her or wait until tonight, and I'm not doing either one of those," Gajeel answered.

Mira clapped her hands twice, getting the trio's attention again. "I've decided the competition!"

Gray eyed her happy face skeptically. Mira's happiness often meant something horrible was about to happen. "What is it?"

"Look over there." She pointed at the far end of the guildhall. "I just baked Erza a fresh strawberry cake this morning. Whoever is able to steal a slice is the manliest! Isn't that a wonderful task?" Mira beamed at them. "Oh, and no one is allowed to back out of the competition or you'll have to play a punishment game! Natsu, I'll tell Jason that you sleep in Lucy's apartment. Gajeel, I'll tell Levy that you're the one hiding dirty books in her bookshelves to send her subliminal messages. Gray, I'll give Juvia a copy of the key to your apartment." The truth was that she'd actually _already_ given Juvia a key, but Gray didn't need to know that.

The three men stared at her in horror. "Y-you really are the devil!" Gajeel whispered hoarsely. "This is coerced suicide!"

Mira just smiled. "Each of you has one chance, so make the best of it! You also have a time limit and I'm not telling you how long it is. Better hurry! Have fun!"

oOoOoOoOo

Gray was up first. _The answer is obvious if you think about it. I want to get the cake WITHOUT being killed by the armored watchdog._ "Stealth. That's how it has to be done. I'm getting that cake." He gave Natsu and Gajeel a companionable nod, then began his assault.

Getting across the room was the easy part. As long as he walked casually enough, no one paid him any attention. _Just another day in the guildhall, Gray, old buddy. Act natural_. Once he'd reached the far wall, however, the true test began. Slowly, slowly, he began sidestepping toward Erza's table. One step, wait, then another step. Repeat. He approached from her back—the safest point of attack.

Once he was close enough, he dropped to the floor and began to silently army-crawl his way under her table. She was seated relaxed, with her legs crossed in a ladylike fashion and her eyes closed. A cup of tea sat steaming in her hands. Everything was perfect! Barely daring to breathe, he made his way to the back of the table, opposite where she was sitting. He snuck a peek at her—she was still comfortably posed, taking little sips of tea every so often. With the silence and grace of a true ninja, he raised himself to where he could just see the cake resting on the table, perfect and untouched. _Showtime_.

He quietly reached out a trembling hand. Just as his fingers grazed the plate upon which the cake sat, he stopped. Oddly enough, his neck had gotten cold, which was unusual for an ice-make mage. When he looked down, there was a steel blade against his collarbone. Connected to the blade was an ornate hilt, connected to the hilt was an armored hand, and connected to the hand was an irate Erza. "Gray," she said, her voice deep and commanding. "Do you wish to die today?"

"Uh." _Think of your manhood. Think of flame brain's gloating face. Think of Juvia having a key to your apartment!_ "No." _Dammit, Gray!_

Erza drew closer to his face. "Then I suggest you take your hand off my cake."

"Yes, ma'am. Sorry. I'm leaving." He moved a few steps then stopped. "How'd you know I was there, anyway?"

Erza pointed behind her chair. "You left a trail of clothes."

"Damn."

oOoOoOoOo

Natsu and Gajeel nearly split themselves laughing. "Did you see that, Salamander?" Gajeel howled. "All she had to do was _tell_ him to go away and he slunk off like a beaten dog! Some manhood!"

"Yeah? Well what's _your_ plan, iron breath?" Gray growled.

"To hell with plans!" Natsu yelled, lighting his arms on fire again. "I'm goin' in! This is how _real_ men do it!" Without listening to Gray's protest, he strode across the guildhall, cackling and spewing flames out of his mouth. "FIGHT ME FOR YOUR CAKE, ERZA! I'M ALL FIRED UP!"

Five minutes later he re-entered the guild, soaking wet and bleeding from more than one wound. He sat down wordlessly beside Gray. "She threw you all the way to the river, huh?" The ice mage asked. Natsu just glared at him. "Good try, though. I think real men would be proud of you."

"Shut up."

oOoOoOoOo

Gajeel was last. He sat for a while, contemplating, then nodded strongly. "You buffoons lost because you don't know how to treat women. Women are like goddesses and must be treated as such—with tenderness, respect, and love. Only when you understand a woman's heart are you truly up to the task of understanding the rest of them."

There was an odd beat.

"What the _hell_ was that?" Natsu asked.

"Levy was behind you," Gajeel explained. "She's gone now. But seriously, you guys are way overthinking this. I'm just gonna ask."

Gray choked on his beer. "Wait. You're going to go _ask Erza to give you her cake_?"

"Yep. Not that hard, ice boy. And if she says no I'll just tell her to get off her period and share like a normal person." He cracked his knuckles and headed off toward an already very grumpy Erza's corner.

"Come to think of it, Gajeel still _is_ kinda new. He really doesn't know much about Erza, does he?" Natsu mused, dabbing blood from a gash on his arm.

Gray nodded. "Yeah. What an idiot."

"I hope they serve food at his funeral."

oOoOoOoOoOo

"Wow, that took you boys a long time! Where's Gajeel?" Mirajane asked when Natsu and Gray finally returned to the bar.

"We just got back from dropping him off at the hospital," Gray replied.

Natsu made a face. "It turns out Erza really IS on her period. After she laid Gajeel out, she nearly broke Droy in half."

"She said he was so fat he must be thinking about her cake." Gray explained.

"Oh, my!" Mira gasped. "Well, did you figure out who is the manliest?"

"Yeah," Natsu replied. "I guess we did."

"Who was it?"

"Erza."

"I figured as much." Mirajane said, beaming. "Gray, don't look now, but Juvia's behind you and she seems to have some sort of tail coming out from under her skirt…"


End file.
